Waterblaster Health Warning

Small but strong

Some may know it as a power washer.  Some call it a pressure washer. Kiwis call it a waterblaster and there’s no finer thing that could be hooked up to a garden hose. Some of the passers-by have been in awe of the little yellow machine with the big noise. And well they should be. There are very few issues that can’t be solved by a 1000psi jet of water. Waterblasting is a spiritual thing. By squeezing the trigger you have the power to renew things.  You can bring things back to life and restore their former glory. Operating a waterblaster is like being god. Aim that nozzle at some dirt and you will know how it feels to be a miracle worker. It’s a time machine too. A quick squirt can send objects back in time, to a time when they were new and shiny. It’s a creator of wealth and an adder of value. Everything’s more attractive, sought after and worth more when it’s been cleaned by a power washer.  Cleaning and scrubbing are boring chores to be avoided if possible. No so with waterblasting.  Everyone who sees its business like shape, hears the sound of the motor and witnesses the pure power of the jet is instantly captivated.  The fact that you are cleaning is soon lost to you. You are not merely performing some menial chore. You are harnessing the power! The first thing that you notice is the recoil as you squeeze the trigger. It’s no accident that the nozzle is shaped like a rifle…this is a serious machine, a weapon. Loose objects are sent hurtling away just from the air pressure of the jet. When you finally take aim at a dirty surface you will start to appreciate the awesome capabilities of this wondrous device. It’s a strange phenomenon, the illusion that you are applying a coat of clean rather than removing a coat of dirt. The results are instant. That white line on the stained concrete provides the proof. This is not like some low carb diet, with the effects taking weeks to show. This is a before and after picture created in seconds.  A motivational machine! The job at hand is dealt with in no time. You’re feeling like you’ve just ridden a rollercoaster, adrenaline is pumping through your body. You want to do it again. Fortunately for you the jet has over sprayed onto something else and left a clean streak. You rationalise than you can’t just leave it now it’s been highlighted. Before you know it this secondary task is being undertaken. It’s known by military types as mission creep. All too soon however this comes to an end. Now you’re feeling like an African dictator…you don’t want to give up the power. Luckily, dirt is everywhere. The side of the house, the driveway, the garden wall. Soon you’re eyeing up your car and wondering if the paint will stay on. Like an addict looking for a hit, you start to wonder what else this fantastic machine can do.  How about weeding? Yes! Waterblasterers make fantastic weedwackers. Again a mundane and tedious task is transformed into an exciting adventure as bits of plant matter and other debris is sent flying. What else? That bird shit on the roof of the garage….in fact let’s blast the birds that put it there. Annoying seagulls are no match for our yellow friend. By now your boots are full of water and your hair is sodden and like God on the seventh day, you survey all you have done. And you notice that all the things you have cleaned are now splattered with mud and shredded plants from that brilliant plan to use a waterblaster for weeding. At this point a strange reality sets in. As a cocaine hit wears off so too does a waterblasting high. You realize that you will have to clean this mess up and you really don’t want to…it’s become a boring and tedious chore.

Feel the power

And so you see, waterblasters really should carry a health warning. Users may experience wild mood swings, hormonal imbalances, delusions, hallucinations and depression.  After effects include having to wash your muddy clothes in a bucket because the wife won’t let you put them in the washing machine and repairing the damage you’ve done on your cleaning rampage. In this case I blew holes in the insect screens and had to buy some new mesh. Even professional aren’t immune to this madness. A roof cleaning contractor I know in NZ had some time left over after cleaning a roof and decided to wash the house owner’s white patio furniture as a gesture of thanks and goodwill. Unfortunately the paint came off in large chunks. When the owner returned home he was less than impressed. What made the situation worse was the cleaner had got the address wrong and was supposed to clean the roof on the house next door.