Alphabet Soup

If you have ever thought about visiting or even living in Japan among the many things to consider is the language issue. Convention wisdom has it that Japanese is a difficult language to master. It also stands to reason that as Japanese learn English at high school, it should be easy to communicate with lots of people. While the first assumption is an understatement the second is completely wrong. Now what I have to say next will probably go down like a lead balloon with all the Teacher types and culture geeks that make up the vast majority of foreigners in this land.

Trying to master the Japanese language is a waste of your time. 

I will now explain explain this theory which has been born of experiences over many years.

Like most Europeans, I used to look at Chinese writing and think wow, that's some complicated stuff. Any society that uses such characters for an alphabet must be highly evolved. Because they don't resemble our alphabet in the least they are mysterious and exotic. They are as much art as language which is why many westerners have them as tattoos. Complicated, exotic and artistic, I thought this form of writing was the sign of an advanced and sophisticated civilization. 

This changed however when I started travelling to Japan for business. Although I am far from being an intellectual genius I do have the ability to pick up enough language to get by in most places. It wasn't long before I realized that Japanese is a very imprecise language which is full of deliberately vague terms and ambiguous meanings. Even so it is very rewarding and important to be able to speak Japanese. I would recommend for anybody coming here to learn some conversational Japanese and vocabulary. The writing however is a different story.

There are 3 alphabets in the Japanese language. The big one is the aforementioned Chinese characters which is known as Kanji. There are currently 2136 official characters plus a few hundred more for family names. So, to be truly fluent, you would need to know not only what every one of the thousands of kanji mean but also be able to write them from memory. I say write, but really you draw them as you would draw a picture.　Now these are not words as such. They are symbols or pictogram's of  items like a mountain or a river or ideas like sadness or love. To complicate things these kanji can have multiple meanings.You have to understand the context in which it is being used in order to know which one applies. A kanji can have up to 4 different meanings and pronunciations. So you have a couple of thousand characters with up to 4 different meanings each. About now you might be thinking "who could possibly know all of these things"? The answer is....nobody can. Even native Japanese  don't know all of them and can have great difficulty reading them and figuring out the meaning. Even a simple name badge worn by convenience store staff can be unclear and needs a bit of guesswork to figure out what their name actually is. In Japanese you can have correspondence with someone but still not know their name even though they have clearly written it. It is quite clearly a stupid idea to base a language on such a shaky foundation. The whole point of language is that people can communicate with each other easily. Words are given meanings that are clear and precise in order to eliminate misunderstandings between people. Characters for writing are chosen so that speech and thoughts can be recorded accurately and should be simple in form in order to be easy to write and read. Kanji fails in all of these things. It is my opinion that in order to fully understand and appreciate Kanji, you must be born into it as it is more of a mindset and an attitude than a language.  Some foreigners like to sprinkle Kanji randomly throughout their blogs in order to show how clever and sophisticated they are. As a foreigner I have learned to recognise a few of them such as place names and other simple things such as EXIT, water, mountain etc. but I don't expend much time or mental energy on it. Life's too short to bother with this nonsense...after all if the natives don't understand it, how the hell could I?
 

Next up is Hiragana which is sort of the native Japanese script. Hiragana has 48 characters. Again they are not letters but sounds. It's a phonetic alphabet and splits everything into syllables. Hiragana is a freehand flowing script and to me most of the characters look like the random scribblings of a 3 year old. They can be very hard to read particularly if the handwriting is bad. Often Kanji are translated into Hiragana which just further highlights the unsuitability of Kanji as a mode of communication. The 48 characters can be used to capture all the sounds in the language. This would seem to me to be all that you would need and a good point at which to stop. No such luck. Why have only one alphabet that serves all your needs when you can have two?

Katakana is reserved for words from other languages that are now used commonly but for which there are no original native words. Now this would make sense if this alphabet introduced sounds that are absent from Japanese such as the letters L and V but it doesn't. It is basically the same as Hiragana but the characters are sharp and angular which make them easy to read and write. That's right, it's the same 48 sounds but written differently. Because the sounds are exactly the same as Hiragana it is completely redundant and unnecessary. It exists primarily to further bamboozle foreigners and make the language even less comprehensible and accessible. Having said that, it's the one component that comes the closest to my definition of a successful alphabet. Because it's easy to write many people like to use it instead of the correct Kanji or Hiragana. Older people often use it for their names and it's hugely popular for business purposes such as signs and menus. Young people like it too and many Japanese words are being rendered into Katakana which is supposed to be reserved for foreign words exclusively. This is the one I have put much effort into learning because my business is in the car industry and all of the terms and documents used are of foreign origin and so written in Katakana.

At this point a comparison to the Roman alphabet is inevitable. With only our 26 English letters we can recreate just about every sound in every language. Even foreign languages such as Welsh and Dutch that need a mouth full of phlegm to pronounce can be translated into English with only 26 letters. Japanese, with 96 characters cant even translate the word "Vanilla" properly. The closest it comes is "Banira". The Russian language is apparently the most precise and unambiguous in the world but the Cyrillic alphabet with 44 letters is more complicated.

So that's it in a nutshell. Far from being a sophisticated advanced form of communication the whole thing is ludicrously complicated and completely at odds to the whole purpose of having a language in the first place. The English alphabet, which I had though boring and primitive is actually a powerful and advanced mode of communication. The 26 letters have a simple beauty that belies their power and utility. This is probably why millions of Chinese are rushing to learn English and why it is the international language. Japan could quite easily dump the whole lot and go with the Roman alphabet as they are all taught it from an early age and can write Japanese in "English". Failing that, it seems to me that Katakana is the obvious choice for the one and only alphabet they actually need. All the rest of it is unnecessary, unclear, ambiguous, imprecise, illegible, illogical and an all round pain in the ass for both native and foreigner alike. If the point of  language is to create art and tradition Japanese succeeds admirably. If the point is clear and precise communication it misses it by a wide mark.

So if youre struggling with kanji  don't stress, the natives find it just as difficult and if your thinking of learning Japanese concentrate on speech and conversational ability. I have got by just fine on this method. Only language snobs need to know what the fine print says.

The New World

Tsutenkaku

I first went to Osaka in November 1997. One of the first things that struck me about the place was how it all looked the same no matter where you went. All cities in the world have their good and bad areas but in Osaka it’s hard to tell which is which. It’s all just a mess of power lines, small houses jammed in together and tall concrete apartment blocks. There is one place that stands out however. It’s called Shin Sekai which means “new World” and I reckon it’s the most colourful and interesting place in Osaka. It also just happens to be the most dangerous place in Japan, full of prostitutes, Yakuza gang members, criminals and an unbelievable amount of homeless people. Or so the guide books would have you believe. Most Japanese shudder at the thought of stepping foot in Shin Sekai or the neighbouring areas of Shin Imamiya and Nishi Nari so it kind of figures that they’re places that I like. Danger is a relative thing. Compared with sleepy Kameoka city it’s pretty wild and lawless but I’m sure that residents of Baghdad would laugh at you if you lined it up with the bad part of their town. Shin Sekai sure isn’t pretty. The whole place is festooned with gaudy sign boards and huge spider webs of electricity cable. There are zillions of tiny bars, cheap restaurants, cheap clothing stores, adult shops, pachinko parlours and some small cinemas. At the centre of Shin Sekai stands Tsutenkaku Tower. This tower looks a bit like an ugly version of the Eifel tower. In Fact this whole area was modelled on Paris. Back in 1903 There was an International exposition here which was a rip roaring success. About 5 million visitors showed up to see such wondrous devices as refrigerators and air conditioners. Japanese people were introduced to the game of ping pong right here and many were able to try unheard of food from overseas. Sensing an opportunity, the Osaka government decided to develop the area into a show piece of new technology. Tsutenkaku was built in 1912 and was at the time, the tallest building in the Orient. The north of the neighbourhood was built to resemble the boulevards of Paris with an entrance gate that resembled the Arch de Triomphe and three diagonal avenues converging below the tower. The neighbourhood was illuminated with thousands of electric light bulbs at night which would have been an amazing sight back then. The new world was the coolest place in town with an amusement park, cinemas, a museum of fine arts, botanical gardens and a zoo all added over the next few years. World War II brought hard times to the new world. Tsutenkaku was burned in a fire and then the Government disassembled it for the steel which was in short supply by then. Finally in March 1945 an air raid nearly flattened the place. Shin Sekai never really recovered after that. People flooded into the cities after the war and the area became home for low wage workers and labourers. There was a brief boom in movie theatres to entertain these people but the advent of TV in the 60’s killed that off.  The tower was rebuilt in 1956 and while it was taller than the original it was to the same design and so looked rather dated. Attempts to revive the area have been rather half hearted and have consisted mainly of laying coloured concrete in the streets and the construction of the festival gate amusement park. The people here are mostly the same people that came here after the war and are now well into old age. The area is firmly blue collar and the housing and businesses reflect this. It looks seedy and run down in daylight and you won’t find any high tech stores or elegant cafes here. Here you can live and eat cheap but it’s a symbol of the dark side of Japan. I once saw an old guy sitting on the sidewalk on top of a big pile of electrical cable. He was stripping the plastic insulation off it to get to the copper wire. He was weather-beaten and wrinkled and dressed in scruffy old overalls. His home was constructed of cardboard boxes covered by those blue plastic sheets. It’s something you would expect to see in Cambodia or Indonesia not first world Japan. Shin Sekai and its neighbouring areas are home to hundreds of such people living in boxes or old vehicles on the side of the road, scrounging cans and cardboard for recycling as a way of making a living. It’s ironic how the place designed to showcase the city’s modern image now looks like it has been left behind the times.

Shin Sekai....unique

Tsutenkaku is old and grubby with slow and creaky elevators but there’s something endearing and innocent about the old fashioned tower. It’s a monument to the hopes and aspirations of 100 years ago and in a country where heritage buildings are few and far between, it’s a survivor  Certainly the view from the top is great. Looking out at Osaka I can’t help but think again about the difference in attitude between East and West. If this where London, New York or Sydney, Shin Sekai would be hot property. An old run down area within spitting distance of the city centre, it would be a magnet for developers and a prime candidate for urban renewal. The fact that it’s a unique area with a colourful history would be a huge selling point. Instead it is left to its long slow decline. This old fashioned tower is now the symbol of the old new world.

Career Change

Tax free life....sweet

There’s a mechanic’s workshop just down the street from my place here in Auckland. It belongs to a Japanese family who have lived here for nearly 20 years. The place is more of a social club than a workshop, with lots of Japanese drifting in and out of the place. Mom and pop are nearing retirement age and hang around the place all day chatting with visitors. They are nice people but they are also the kind of immigrants that tend to annoy Kiwis a bit. After 20 years here their English ability is pathetic. They live in a kind of bubble where everything is just as it was at home. They have no need to assimilate and are able to get along just fine without becoming part of NZ society. Their two  sons are a different story. They both speak good English and seem to like living here. So it was a bit of a surprise when the oldest brother who runs the workshop told me the family are packing up and going back to Japan. His brother will stay here but his parents will be going with him. He is in his mid-thirties and is married with a child. His wife is Japanese. They went to visit her parents for the New Year holiday and while he was there he was offered a job.  This job is no ordinary job however. He was offered the position of a monk. 

When I heard this I was a bit astounded. I was under the impression that becoming a monk isn’t the kind of thing you could just do because it sounds like a bit of a lark. I thought you might have to be deeply religious for one thing. Believing in God would also be of some help. Then there are the years of studying and training and all that sitting around meditating while being hit with sticks. Not so it seems. Now I know the Japanese view of God and religion is somewhat, shall we say, flexible, but I had no idea just how easy it is to become a holy man. Apparently this mechanic’s father in law is the resident monk of a small temple somewhere in the countryside in the middle of Honshu. He looks after the temple and does all the stuff monks do for the local area. The temple comes with a large house and a bit of farmland where undoubtedly there is a load of veggies growing. The father in law is getting on a bit and is looking to retire. Normally his first son would inherit his position but he only has daughters. The eldest daughter had married and her husband was teed up to become the monk. A divorce sunk that plan however. No.2 daughter is also married but her husband has been earmarked to take over his family’s business. Now this is a bit of a problem for the father. This temple is not owned by him. It belongs to the government and if he retires he has to vacate it. That includes the house he 

Monks....fun

lives in. The old man needed a family member to sign up for this quick smart. If he can’t, he’s outdoors.  As the last available son in law, it’s this guy’s for the taking. The house is big enough for his family and the in-laws. So, I ask, what does being a monk involve? The monk looks after the temple all the various little shrines scattered around the locality. He also does funerals, blessings and the odd exorcism. Japs are very superstitious and the only way to get a bad spirit or ghost out of your house is to call in a monk. After bit of chanting, some incense and Y100,000 you have a ghost free house. Monks don’t earn huge money but what they do get is tax free. When you add free accommodation and land to grow food plus a live in babysitter, it starts to look good. Now, you can’t just shave your head and throw on a sheet and then claim to be a monk. You have to register. To do this you need to do a 1 month course and pass an exam. And…… that’s about it. Once you’ve got this piece of paper you’re the genuine item. I guess then you should try to find enlightenment but it seems that this is optional. As a monk you can have a wife, smoke, drink and even go drift racing if you want to. The only downside to it is that it’s not exactly a 9 to 5 gig. People can call on you at any time so you need to be there all the time. Or at least have your  i-phone on all the time.  And that’s how a mechanic becomes a monk.

Eco Nonsense

Prius owners....smug

I see the Toyota Prius has slipped to no.2 in the top selling cars in Japan list. This has happened because the Government subsidy has ended. The Honda Fit is now back on top as economic reality is restored. A friend of mine who lives in Osaka has just purchased a new Prius and reports that the Toyota dealer there just about bent over backwards to sell the car, offering a huge price for his trade in and discounting the Prius by Y250,000. Seems that Toyota will start subsidising their own product to keep it on top. Hyrids really don't make any sense unless you are doing huge mileages every day. As for being clean and green....that's a myth. The large NiMH battery  production process is an eco-mentalists nightmare. The Nickel for the batteries comes from a mine in Sudbury, Canada. This mine is infamous for the damage it has caused to it's surrounding environment.  Nickel extraction is  a dirty, toxic business. Next the nickel is shipped to Europe for refining. From there it's on to China to be processed and finally to Japan where the battery is manufactured. The completed car is then shipped to it's target market. For North America bound Prius's, it's been a round the world trip. At the end of the cars life the battery is to be shipped back to Japan for re-cycling. Thats a lot of shipping. When you consider the energy consumed and greenhouse gasses produced just in shipping these things around it doesn't look so environmentally friendly after all. Add to that the environmental damage done by mining/smelting/refining/ processing the nickel in the batteries and it becomes clear that the hybrid isn't as clean or green as it's touted to be.Someone in the US calculated how much energy went into producing a prius for the North American market and found that the equivalent of nearly 3500 litres of petroleum was used. Seems like this car doesn't start saving the planet until you've driven it for 60,000kms.

The argument then goes that they produce less greenhouse gasses and so therefore must be good. Also mentioned are the assumptions that less demand for petrol will lead to lower prices and less petrol consumed which, in turn leads to less reliance on unstable third world oil producing countries. So, if we all drove a hybrid we would stop climate change, have a clean environment, cheaper petrol, energy security and world peace! Except it doesn't work that way. Hybrids run on petrol. It's an oil dependant vehicle so we can't ditch the oil sheikhs just yet.  They do produce greenhouse gasses just like standard cars. Whether this makes any difference to climate change is hotly disputed, despite what Al Gore  and Greepeace would have you believe. Cheaper fuel due to less demand is also a myth. Your Government will make sure taxes will keep it at a certain level.  Just because we might use less petrol in the developed countries doesn't mean that the oil will stay in the ground. It is not "saved". Instead it will go to China or India where they will be happy to consume it at the lower price. The oil will be used and pollutants will be released by someone else.

So if these things cost so much and don't save that much fuel and aren't so eco friendly after all why is there so much hype around them? There's two reasons for it. The first one is political. The hybrid has become as much of a political issue for the left as the 4WD is. For socialists and eco-mentalists it's a golden opportunity to do what they do best, that is, forcing people to do something they otherwise would not want to do. On it's own merits, the prius isn't much of a car but when the current media hysteria and political propaganda over global warming is combined with Toyota's ultra slick marketing machine it's a winner.  Secondly, there's the glamour factor. Hybrids have become a status symbol. Driving a Prius allows you to appear virtuous. It says that you care about the planet as much as the many movie stars and celebrities that drive hybrids. It's a triumph of style over substance when a very average car can become an object of adoration.Toyota has spotted a niche and has run a brilliant campaign which has left its competitors in the dust.

There's a lot of misleading advertising and willful mis-information around hybrid cars. The reason for this is that if the Prius was put on the market without this Eco friendly marketing no one would buy it.

So there you have it.....You will not be helping to save the planet. You will not be ending Big Oil's monopoly. You will be strenghtening Toyota's monopoly.  People who actually know these things  will think you're a sucker.  On the other hand you will get to portray a virtuous image. You will join that elite group of celebrities and superstars who also own one. You will never be harassed by greenies like you would in a 4WD. You will be able to impress  ignorant people.

The most compelling reason for buying a car is that you really like it. If you like the Prius then buy it. If you don't like it  you don't need to feel guilty.

  

More Train Manners

Heres another poster from those helpful souls at Tokyo metro.

This one warns against the dangers of blindly copying the actions of your fellow passengers. Just because the man standing by the door has removed his eyeballs doesn't mean you should follow his example. Performing complicated surgical procedures on youself is best done at home. It goes on to point out that women tend to carry an excessive amount of crap around in bags.

Apples & Oranges

Shizuka informed me tonight that a person who persistantly misbehaves or causes trouble is know as a "bad mikkan". For those who don't know, a mikkan is a mandarin orange. 

I told her she must mean a "bad apple". No, she insists, in Japan they are a bad orange. 

Comparing East and West is literally like comparing apples and oranges!

Train Manners

This poster is one of a series published by Tokyo Metro. It's a helpful guide of how to behave when on a train. 

This particular one is reminding people that it isn't on to slouch. Ill fitting pants are also considered rude. Bags of potatoe chips should be held in an upright position at all times and there's a 2 can limit on beer. This also reminds you that if you're reading porn on a train it is bad form not to share it with the guy across the aisle.

Convenience Culture

Having reached the decision to sell the Kameoka house, we embarked on a quest to find a real estate agent is isn't lazy, greedy, indifferent, a crook or a complete moron. yes, we have set  the bar very high for this one. I don't like real estate agents. I have yet to meet one that has justified their exorbitant commission. I had thought that the advent of the internet would swiftly bring about the demise of these parasites. Real estate companies now have no real advantage over a private seller. The internet is a powerful advertising tool and it has broken the monopoly of the printed  magazines and shopfront advertisements of the agents. Unless you need someone to hold your hand and tell you that you're doing the right thing, you don't need an agent these days. A good lawyer for the paperwork and a willingness to negotiate face to face with the seller is all you really need now. Private sales are really taking off in the western world but Japan, I have learned, is about 20 years behind the rest of the developed world. Here the estate agent is still king of the hill. All sales still go through agents who clip the ticket. Even advertising on the internet is controlled by real estate co-op's so just sticking an add together and listing it online with the major sites is not possible. So, while we have found a company that is less unenthusiastic than the rest, I have put my own add together on this blog. Lets see if I can't do any better than them. So if you would like to own a nice western style house on a hill in Japan have a look. You will find it in the "pages" box over there on the right.....All the hard work is done. You just need to move some furniture into it and you are living the dream.

If you are a foreigner and want to either buy or rent a house or apartment there is next to no support here. Agents tend to view foreigners as either too difficult to deal with or an easy mark to unload a dodgy property onto. Any foreign resident of Japan will be able to relate tales of woe and frustration on this subject. Agents by and large don't speak English and their advertising is all Japanese only. Banks look upon you with suspicion and you will often have to sell your soul to your employer in order to get a guarantor.

Rush hour......convenient?

Another frustration I have is the mindset of the average Japanese agent. To them, there is only one kind of property that is worth listing. That is one that is right next to a train station or big shopping centre. Once you get beyond 4 or 5 Kms from these their interest wanes really quickly. Our house is 18kms from the station. This is termed "isolated".  I'm sorry....Living on a sheep ranch in the Northern Territory of Australia where just the access road is 50kms long is isolated. A house that is a 3 minute walk from a convenience store and a school is not isolated. When you have postal and courier delivery to your door, streetlamps, electricity, water connection, telephone and high speed Internet, cellphone coverage, good TV reception and a local community hall you aren't exactly living on the far side of the moon. Talk to an agent however and you will get the feeling you are. The fact that many people can now work from home via the internet also doesn't figure in their calculations.

It's something I find hard to understand. I just don't get why anybody would want to live near a railway. They are noisy, dirty and ugly. Sure I understand that it's convenient to be able to walk to a station but what could be more convenient than walking out your front door and getting into your car. You don't need to go shopping for food everyday. A little forward planning and a decent sized fridge/freezer allows you to cut this down to once or twice a week. If you insist on fresh fish everyday you can stop by the supermarket on the way home from work or school. Cars are just better than trains or buses. If you really want to have a lifestyle and gain a full appreciation of this country you need to have a car. This house comes with plenty of parking. 

Another thing it has is space. You get 3 good sized bedrooms and a front yard. If I had kids I would definitely want this for them. Those egg box mansions with their tiny balconies look to me to be about the most miserable place you could bring up children. I remember being a child (yes its long ago but I still remember it) and playing in my parents back garden. We had grass and small trees where we could play and have picnics and pitch tents and do all the things kids love to do. I would want my kids to live in a place where they could play and explore in safety.

City apartments...dreary

 The other thing I don't comprehend is why people want to live right on top of each other. How can having to listen to your neighbours arguing with each other be a good thing? There's no privacy in the cities. You know what they're having for dinner because they're cooking it 2 metres away from you. 

I have travelled on trains during the rush hour in Tokyo, Osaka and Nagoya. The people I saw on them look utterly miserable jammed in there like sardines in a can. Your average salaryman looks like a zombie hanging there off the handstrap

The agents then bring up the fact that this house is not new. Again, I don't see the problem with this. You can buy older houses for a fraction of the cost of a new one. The last owner of this house paid Y26 million for it. 15 years later when he defaulted on his mortgage he still owed Y8million. I would much rather live in a 15 year old house with a small mortgage than a new house with a 25year repayment plan.I know not everyone is handy with a paintbrush but even if you hire an expensive reform company it will be cheaper than buying a new one.

Environmentally speaking, it's better for the planet too. This is the home of the Kyoto protocol and extreme rubbish sorting. Why do they make a big deal of sorting glass bottles for recycling when they will tear down a perfectly serviceable house in a heartbeat?

I don't think that just because they think and do things differently to me that they must be automatically wrong. It's not a case of west is best. The people here I talk to seem to aspire to such things as a large modern house with a garden and a nice view. It's the fact that they seem to be prepared to sacrifice so much for this so called convenience that absolutely flummoxes me. Life is short. There are no prizes for dropping dead from overwork. You owe it to yourself to enjoy your life as much as you can. If you are a raving party animal who stumbles home drunk every night then an inner city apartment might be the best thing for you. For the average salaryman with a wife and a couple of kids the key to a better existence is a balance of work and lifestyle. The idea is starting to catch on and I refuse to believe that these things have not occurred to some other people here. An agents job should be to accentuate the positives, eliminate the negatives and sell the property.

Burning Issues

So that's the end of the narrative of the house project. It has been reconstructed from emails and photos of the time we were there. So until we return to Japan  on another adventure I'll be using these newly acquired skills in computer blogging gibberish to bring you  comments, observations and other informative nonsense at regular intervals. Theres a soapbox in the corner which will be dragged out on occasion and Shizuka will be throwing in her 2 yens worth from time to time.

Last night when conversing with some friends we happened to end up discussing an important question which needs to be addressed. This came up when Charlene mentioned that the local primary school is having a picnic at 7PM. Shane asserted that 7PM is too late for a picnic. I argued that a picnic is simply a light meal eaten outside in a place away from your home and that there is no rule on what time it must be. I know many Japanese have picnics at night while sitting under Sakura trees and watching fireworks. To lay this matter to rest I have decided to conduct a poll. It's Down at the bottom of the page so scroll on down there and check it out.  Please vote so we can sort out this important matter and gain some closure.

Sayonara

Day 33 11th September 2010. Osaka.

We turned off the water and electricity, pulled down all the roller shutters and locked the doors. We don’t know exactly when we will return, probably April or May. I like the place and would be fine with living here for a bit but Shizuka doesn’t like the neighbours across the road. Japanese people can be very sensitive and superstitious and no amount of logic and reason will persuade them.  We will go back to NZ for the summer and contemplate on our next move. Most likely we will put it on the market for sale. Judging from the prices people are asking for houses in the area we would do all right by selling it. I would like to do another similar project again next summer so I will keep a look out for a suitable property to buy.  The good thing about Japan is that I have no worries about leaving it empty for 6 months. You can be sure that no one will break in and ransack it or that a bunch of squatters will move in. We drove down to Nick’s place in Osaka where the Kei truck will live until duty next calls.

KIX departures...unloved

Kansai International Airport is another one of those white elephant projects that Japan specialises in. it’s huge, efficient, clean and empty. The idea behind it was to relieve the Itami Airport just north of Osaka city. An island was built 3kms offshore in Osaka bay and an architect was commissioned to come up with an iconic building for the terminal. Both were a stunning feat of engineering and design. Also stunning was the price tag. The Skygate Bridge from the mainland to the island on its own cost US$ 1 billion. The cost of building and running the airport has meant that the airport company has never and will never make any profit from it. It is a perennial loss maker and has to be subsidised by the government.   Osaka people don’t like to use it because of the long and expensive train ride just to get to it. Airlines don’t want to fly into it because of the exorbitant landing fees which are among the highest in the world. To aggravate matters the whole island is slowly sinking into Osaka bay and will need to have major work done to combat this. All this didn’t stop the airport from embarking on construction of a second runway.  All proper airports have 2 runways don’t they? Never mind that Kobe has just built another international airport a few miles away. For Japan’s local governments an airport is a must have status symbol. Never mind that the traffic to support them isn’t there….just build them.  Of course nobody wants an airport in their backyard so the fad of building islands off the coast is all the rage now.

The Koru.....homely

NZ98 is an eleven hour non-stop marathon across the pacific from Osaka to Auckland. I have lost count of the number of times I have taken this flight. I find it hard to sleep on airplanes but the entertainment system is superb and I watch movies all the way home. All countries have their flag carrying airlines but Air New Zealand is special. Unlike big countries that have several airlines, we only have the one so it’s become more than just a company that moves people around. It’s said Kiwis are the world’s greatest travellers and the vast majority of them travel on Air NZ. The crews and the airplanes are sort of like part of the family and the fortunes of the company a national concern. For Kiwis all around the world the big Boeings are our link to home. For me the sight of the Koru on the tail brings a sense of connection to home even though I may be thousands of miles away. All Air NZ aircraft are a little piece of NZ and stepping onto the plane means I’m already home. The atmosphere is casual and friendly but more importantly it feels genuine. After a month of fake smiles and service that comes straight from a training manual, it’s good to deal with people who can think for themselves and are actually interested in what you have to say. This feeling is stronger on the Asian flights as quite often I am one of only a handful of Kiwis in a plane load of Asians. Sure some of the hostesses are a little long in the tooth and may not be supermodels but they have always been good to me, from getting good seats to making sure I have enough to eat and drink. They have never lost my bag, oversold the flight ,left me stranded in a foreign airport or got upset when a group of car dealers took over their galley and had a party there. I’ve been upgraded to first class and business class many times. I’ve used other airlines like JAL, United and Qantas but nowhere else have I had the same feeling as I get when travelling on our Airline. Auckland airport is another contrast. Small, busy and a bit ugly since they added the new extension, it is never the less welcoming and interesting. The customs people are friendly and the facilities for shopping or resting before another flight are good.  I have the new black NZ passport and can breeze through the automatic immigration checkpoint. Shizuka has to line up with all the Aliens. The only downside to the whole experience is the stupid and tiresome arrival card and the equally tedious food /quarantine x-ray check. The NZ government insists that these things are neccessary to proctect the country from pests, both human and animal. I do wonder about this however and suspect that it's mostly propaganda and job creation.

So that’s it. It’s been an adventure.

Rude Awakening

Its out there...somewhere

There's a monster lurking in this quiet valley. You wouldn't know it just from looking around. There's no creepy feeling or chills down your spine. Unlike the snakes and killer wasps and centipedes I never saw it but I sure heard it this morning. It was a sound that would make your blood run cold. The kind of thing that would make you vow never to come back to this deceptively tranquil place. Its a sound that drives people to do wild and irrational things. The kind of thing that can disturb your sleep for years. The days here are calm and peaceful. The nights dark and quiet. It's the dawn that brings this loathsome creature to life. Just before the sun creeps over the horizon it's shrill cry pierces the still air. COCK-A-DOODLE-DO it screams. Thats right....theres a fucking rooster in the neighbourhood.  5AM, Saturday and natures most irritating creation is doing what it was created to do.....annoy the hell out of people first thing in the morning. But wait, it gets worse. It seems theres another one further down the valley screaming back at the first one. Two!! How do people put up with this infernal racket every morning? I just can't comprehend  (1)why anybody would own such an annoying animal and (2) why do the neighbours put up with it. Whats the point of feeding an animal whose whole reason for being is to make a hideous noise at an obscenely early time of the morning. It takes me back to an incident that occurred about 20 years ago in a motel in the small town of Kerikeri in New Zealand's bay of Islands. It had been a big night and myself and my mate Shane were slumbering peacefully. Suddenly our rest was violently interrupted. You guessed it...a rooster. Now Shane is a bit of an animal lover and a live and let live sort of a guy. He won't even squash mosquitoes. Karma and all that. So his reaction to this rude awakening came as a big surprise and still amuses me to this day. He leapt up, flung open the slider and grabbed the first thing that came to hand, in this case a size 12 gumboot. Mr Rooster was winding up for wakeup call no.2. COCK-A-DO-AAAAAHHHHKKK he went as the gumboot slammed into him. It was a king hit and we heard no more from Mr. Rooster. On re-awakening at the more civilised hour (9ish) I strolled out to the grassy space outside our room. There in the middle of the garden was a large green gumboot. The only sign of Mr. Rooster was a few brown feathers. It's a good job I am leaving Hatano-cho today as I firmly believe that the only fit and proper thing to do on encountering these pests is to hurl a gumboot at them as forcefully as you can.

For this story I have of course translated the noise of the rooster into English.

Japanese roosters don't say "Cock-a-doodle-doo". 

As any Japanese schoolkid can tell you they say "cock-e-co-co".

Vending Machine Awards

Shizuka and I have been debating the relative merits of the soft drinks to be found at the local convenience store. The variety is endless and some of the drinks are mind boggling. 

Here are the nominees.

 1 Calpis soda Zero. A white carbonated beverage with 1% lemon. Delicious and refreshing with zero calories.

2 Fanta grape. Now to me Fanta is a sickly orange drink. Fanta grape is just not Fanta. But Shizuka likes it. 

3 CC Lemon. 70 Lemons worh of vitamin C in every bottle. Wow. Thats a lot of lemons!

4 Ju roku Cha. 16 kinds of tea blended into one easy bottle.

5 Fanta. The original. In Japan Fanta has stayed true to it's original taste. Unlike NZ.

6 Pocari Sweat. Energy water for those who perspire.

7 Bubbleman II. Don't ask me what happened to bubbleman 1.

8 Kagome Veggie Life. 21 vegetables and 3 fruits smooshed up together. Great for constipation!

9 Aserora Drink. Strange cherry coccoction with 30 times more Vitamin C than lemon. 30 Times!!!!

10 Coke. The original. Black gold. Say no more.

Calpis...the winner

Shizuka winners are

 Calpis soda zero  followed by kagome veggie life.

For me its

 Coke...refreshing and uplifting and then CC lemon.

Fait Accompli

Day 32 Friday 10th September 2010

Nagoya Port....enormous

Today we are up early and on the road back to Kyoto. I decide to take the new highway called the Shin Meishin expressway. The first leg is from Toyota to Nagoya port. We are surrounded by car transporters loaded with Toyota product on its way to all corners of the world. A great number of the cars are the hybrid Prius model. I can’t believe the world has fallen in love with this silly car and bought into the whole hybrid hype. Why would anyone pay a huge premium for an underwhelming, below average performing, ugly duckling like this? It’s a brilliant piece of marketing on Toyota's part .  Both governments and consumers the world over have been sucked into this  idiocy . Nagoya port has to be seen to be believed. It’s huge.  It’s obvious to me just by driving along the endless flyovers that cross the port that Nagoya is doing better than Osaka. The docks on Osaka bay are every bit as big but nowhere near as busy. On stopping at a convenience store for a drink I see a vending machine with eggs in it. Handy for those egg emergencies I guess.  There are about 5.5 million vending machines in Japan….one for every 20 people. The internet is full of amusing articles about these so I not going to go there other than to say this. If you put a vending machine with beer in it on a street in NZ you would have a lot of drunken kids stumbling around the vicinity. Vending machines cater for every need but I think I have found a gap in the market. I haven’t seen any drive thru vending machines. Imagine being able to drive up to a vending machine and getting a delicious beverage without having to get out of your car! It’s the ultimate in convenience. Americans would love it. As we get into Mie prefecture the traffic thins out and the highway winds through some nice countryside. The highway is new here, so new in fact that my 2006 navigation CD ROM shows us driving off road through virgin countryside. This highway is 3 lanes each side in places and goes through some amazing tunnels and yet was built in such a short space of time it’s rendered my CD obsolete in less than 4 years. Back home they have spent much longer just arguing about where a road will go.  A project like the Shin Meishin would take 20 – 30 years to complete in NZ. That’s Japan…when they want to they can make stuff happen. Of course it doesn’t take long to find a contradiction. This highway deposits us into the middle of Kyoto city. There is no ring road or connection to the Kyoto Jukan highway which we must take to get to Kameoka. We need to drive through the neighbourhood for 30 minutes in bad traffic before we get back on the highway. We pull into the supermarket and get some food to barbeque tonight. 

Before

After

Overgrown

Zen

    

Kitchen disaster

reformed

It’s going to be our first night in the house so we get some beer to celebrate. The weather is still absolutely beautiful. Blue skies and 30 degrees.  The house looks great. Some people had said that we would not get it finished on time but we’ve worked hard we have pulled it off. We light the barbeque and crack open a few cans. We have a lot to do tomorrow morning before we fly. I usually don’t sleep well before a flight and this night is no exception. It’s so quite here you would think that it would be easy to sleep but I’m conditioned to traffic noise and alarms and police sirens going off so it would take me some time to get used to the silence.  At 4.30 AM I hear some noise outside so I get up and look out the window. At first I can’t see anything. Then I make out the neighbour across the street, Mr Trump, moving around. This idiot is feeding his cats at 4.30AM on a Saturday morning in the pitch dark. Odd doesn’t even begin to describe these people.

Anger Management

Day 31 Thursday 9th September 2010

Will work for beer

Last night while eating dinner I made the mistake of mentioning that we had replaced the mesh in the insect screens on our house in Kyoto. Shizuka’s mother’s eyes lit up on hearing this. She told me that all the screens on this place are full of holes and that nobody has thus far volunteered to fix them. The deafening clang of that hint being dropped was too much to ignore. After all, you can’t really drink their beer and eat their food without being somewhat obligated. So we volunteered. All the tools that you need were found and a roll of mesh appeared. Shizukas father disappeared off to the home centre to get the rubber strip that fits in the groove along the edges of the screen. In all there are 9 screens and they are all suffering from severe lack of maintenance syndrome. I extract Makoto from her bed (it’s kind of like pulling teeth out) and push her outside to help with cleaning the screens. Toshiaki comes back with the rubber. I pull out the old rubber and I can see straight away that it’s a different size from what he’s bought. I tell him that he’s bought the wrong size. He looks at it then mumbles something I can’t understand. Shizuka starts laughing quietly. “What’s the joke”? I ask her. “He’s angry” she replies. I look over at him but he is as calm as ever. “How can you tell?” I ask. “Because he said – I’m angry.”  Wow. This guy is one of the most serene people I have ever met. Nothing ever seems to bother him. If he hadn’t said that he was angry nobody would have known. Evidently his anger quickly passed as he was back to normal within seconds.

  

It’s often said that the Japanese are inscrutable. When I first came here 18 years ago I was inclined to believe it. It’s the kind of generalization that I’m comfortable with. I remember sitting in the office of my export agent. He was on the other side of the desk intently studying a piece of paper on which I had written prices I wanted to pay for a bunch of cars. As he read my offers he was totally expressionless. Until then I had been used to negotiations with Westerners. At this point in the process expressions like “you’re dreaming!” or “you’re out to lunch on that one!” would normally be heard. Instead he remained poker faced. “Typical inscrutable Asian” I thought to myself. It was only years later when I had finally gained some insight into their mind set, that I realised that they are not actually inscrutable. They just react in ways that are different from and which are unexpected by Westerners. Now, when faced with a similar situation, I know that his blank expression is him calculating how to refuse my offer without causing offence or loss of face for either party. The lack of expression is not him trying to hide something. It’s a sign of his uncertainty. With a bit of study you can mostly predict what they will do and say next. Their social programming about maintaining harmony and their wish to avoid confrontation make them quite predictable. Occasionally I have been surprised by an unexpected reaction such as the “I’m angry now” comment by Shizukas father today, but 9 times out of 10 I have been right.

Ice Cabbage

After we had finished the screens we went into town for Shaved Ice. This is called kakigori and it’s a must have when in Japan during summer. They start with a block of ice which is put into the shaving machine. The ice that comes out the bottom is light and fluffy, almost like candy floss.  You can choose what you want to put on top of it. I had cream and strawberry. It looked like real ice cream. Makoto had green tea flavour which made it look like a bowl with a  shredded cabbage sitting in it. Her parents were very happy with the screens but then Shizuka made the mistake of mentioning that we have a waterblaster…….

The AUTOBACS Incident

Small truck,Big wheels......possible

Driving the kei truck has been an experience. I normally drive a 4.6 litre V8 Range Rover so it’s been quite a change.  Nobody wants to drive such a small car where I come from. Kiwis wouldn’t dream of driving a car with only a 660cc engine. The way the tax system works here means it’s probably the only kind of car that’s affordable for most. One could argue that it’s good from an environmental point of view but I found the truck to be rather thirsty. For such a small vehicle it is not that economical on fuel.  The figures I was getting weren’t much better than a 2 litre car. It got me thinking about the wheels and tyres on it. The factory wheels are 12 inch with 145 tyres. For those unfamiliar with such things, these are basically the same as that wheel they use at Pizza hut to slice pizzas. Small wheels and skinny tyres don’t do a lot for handling in the wet either. I decided to find out what could be done to upgrade them. I was thinking a 14 inch wheel with a 165 tyre would transform the handling and feel of this thing. I went by Autobacs to seek some answers. Autobacs is a parts and accessories store. They have a big tyre shop out front with large numbers of technician looking guys in orange overalls. Mostly they just hang around doing nothing but sometimes they can be seen fitting tyres to cars.  I decided to ask one of them what is the max size tyre I could fit on the truck. The conversation went something like this…..

Me: What’s the biggest size tyre that will fit on a Honda Acty 4WD?

Tyre man: 145 R12.

Me: No. that’s what’s on it now. I want a bigger tyre.

Tyre man: We can’t put bigger tyres on it because it would not pass the Shakken test.

Me: I’m not worried about the shaken. I just want to know how big we could possibly go.

Tyre man: We are not allowed to fit tyres bigger than standard.

Me: Okay. What if I fit them myself?

Tyre man (looking confused): What do you mean?

Me: I buy some wheels and tyres here then take them away and put them on my truck.

Tyre man (sucking air through his teeth) I don’t know.

Me: Look, I’ve seen these trucks with big wheels driving around town. Will a Civic 14 inch wheel with a 165 tyre fit onto them?

Tyre man: I think so maybe.

Me: Surely you have, at some point fitted wheels such as these to this kind of truck.

Tyre man: No. Only standard size.

Me: Okay. Do you think a 165 tyre will fit without any problems?

Tyre man: We are not allowed to fit tyres bigger than standard.

Me: I am not asking you to fit them. I am asking you if is physically possible?

Tyre man: I will ask my boss.

Supervisor: What do you want to know?

Me: Will a 165 R14 fit on this truck?

Supervisor: We can’t put bigger tyres on it because it would not pass the Shakken test.

Me: Yes, we’ve covered that one. Is it physically possible?

Supervisor: You would need a 14 inch wheel.

Me: Obviously. Assuming we have 14 inch wheels, what tyres could we put on them? 155, 165?

Supervisor: We are not allowed to fit tyres bigger than standard.

Me: Look. Imagine this. I buy a set of 14 inch wheels with 165 tyres. I then take them away to another place far away from here. Would I be able to fit them to this truck and have no problems?

Supervisor: You would put them on yourself?

Me: Yes

Supervisor: Oh!….So you would buy some wheels and tyres and take them away from here and then put them onto the truck?

Me: Exactly.

Supervisor: That would be OK

Me: But what’s the biggest size tyre that would fit without causing steering or clearance issues?

Supervisor: You could fit 165 R14 but it would not pass the Shakken test.

Me: 165 R14 will fit then?

Supervisor: Yes, no problem.

Me: Hallelujah!!!!!

This is typical of the endless circular exchanges you tend to get drawn into when making the simplest requests. At home it would take about 10 seconds to get the answer. Any tyre man who isn’t a complete moron would know the answer because it’s his job to know such things. What I really should have done was saved a bit of time and just gone and found a wall suitable for knocking my head against.  

Hikikomori

Day 30 Wednesday 8^th September 2010

Pastel blue...Dull

The Japanese Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare defines hikikomori as people who refuse to leave their house, and isolate themselves from society in their homes for a period exceeding six months. It’s a condition that is becoming common in Japan especially with the younger generation. Shizuka’s young sister, Makoto, is 25 and is fast on her way to becoming a total shut-in. She hasn’t worked for over a year and rarely even goes outside now. Emails over the last year from Shizuka’s mother meant that I was prepared for the request to see if I can do something about it.  Things are obviously getting desperate if they have asked me but what the hell… First up was getting her out of bed at 9AM. “Good luck with that” said her mother. Makoto was lying on her futon buried under a pile of blankets.  The one weak point in this defensive position was her feet which were poking out from the blankets. I quickly formulated a plan of attack which consisted of tickling her feet until she emerged. This tactic worked well and before too long Mako was up and about. “Get dressed. We’re going on an adventure” I told her. Her mother was amazed. We all had breakfast and the girls went to put on makeup and do their hair and all the other crap girls must do before venturing outside. This is one of Makos problems. She takes ages to get herself ready to do anything. Continental drift begins to look like fast work compared to Makoto preparing to go somewhere. Shizuka likes to describe her as “sluggish”. After an era has passed she is finally ready. Makoto is actually quite pretty but she does herself no favours with the clothes she wears. She insists on wearing odd combinations like a skirt over track pants and strange hats. Now I’m no fashion slave but even I can tell that setting fire to her wardrobe would be a good start. So now, having promised an adventure, I have to pull a rabbit out of a hat and actually come up with an idea for one. Her parents have recently bought her a car in the hope that it would encourage her to get out and find a job.  She is not so confident driving and so it hasn’t seen much use. OK, grab a map and pick a place to go to. South of Nagoya is a peninsula called Chita. There’s a place named Mihama which in English means beautiful sand.  That’s it. We are going to this beach and providing Mako with some much need fresh air and driving practice. Shizuka isn’t fazed by this. She’s used to spontaneous outings by now.  Shizuka’s parents don’t say anything but I can see that they aren’t used to unconventional methods like this. Before Mako can protest we bundle her into the car. It’s a Daihatsu Cocoa in powder blue. “Did you actually choose this colour”? I ask her. “Yes” she replied, “I like pastel colours”. Hmmm. It looks like the kind of colour the airforce would use to paint a piece of equipment like a generator. Dull! Still it could be worse…it could be a Suzuki Tanto which is the most popular kei car at the moment. The Tanto is an affront to aerodynamics and good taste. 

Traffic lights...Duller

 One thing I notice immediately about the Cocoa is the gaping hole in the centre of the dashboard. It seems  the budget didn’t stretch to a navigation system. I will have to do this the old fashioned way. A map book is passed through the window and we are off. This map book is totally covered in Kanji characters.  Great. Navigating and learning Japanese simultaneously. Bet they don’t teach that at high school. A couple of hours later we are on the coast. Makoto is actually doing quite well with the driving. She’s only blown through 2 red lights at this point. Not much worse than the average Auckland driver. Despite Shizuka’s protests, I think that’s quite forgivable. Traffic lights here are a joke. There is usually only one unit mounted on a pole hanging over the intersection. It’s always on the far side and is mounted horizontally. If you are travelling behind a truck you can’t actually see the light until you are into the middle of the intersection.  Japanese refer to the green light as the blue light. Why? Because green is obviously a shade of blue. As with most things in Japan, driving requires a suspension of your western logic. 

Chita coastline....Dullest.

The coastline of the Chita peninsula is fairly typical of the Japan seaside. That is, it’s been totally ruined.  Anything resembling a beach has been concreted over. Seawalls and breakwaters block the view and junk and debris from the local fishing activities litter the roadsides. The smokestacks from a power plant tower over everything. Driving along the coast road the predominant colour is rust. As we get further south it improves marginally. We stop beside a clam farm and have a snack. I ponder on the different attitudes to the coastline that exist here and in NZ. At home, the coast is a national treasure. Nobody owns it and access to it is guaranteed to all. Very little development is allowed on the foreshore and coastal houses are much sought after, commanding high price premiums. Kiwis cherish their beaches and will fight tooth and nail to conserve and protect them. I think that’s as it should be.  Here a different mind-set prevails. The Japanese seem to fear the sea, building huge fortifications in an attempt to tame it. The symbol of Japans beaches is not the sand dune but the tetrapod. These huge concrete forms can be seen in their thousands along the coasts of these islands.  The other disparity is in how the people here view the sea. For them it seems the purpose of the ocean is simply to supply them with food.  Every inch of the foreshore is devoted to fishing boats, processing factories, fish farms, fish shops, seafood restaurants, boat maintenance and  boat repair. It is all privately owned and keep out signs are plentiful. There are few opportunities for leisure or lifestyle here. Nature has been reshaped to support commerce and industry. Nobody seems to care that the place is a hideous mess.  Things get a bit better on the western side. Here the factories give way to huge resort hotels but as with the sea of Japan coast, the foreshore here is lined with carparks and rusty sheds. The beach is crawling with old people scavenging for tiny shellfish.  Further to the north, airliners come in low on final approach into Nagoya’s new island airport. So unloved is the coast in this country that even these most contentious of human constructions can be safely parked on artificial islands just offshore with little opposition.  

tetrapods...the Japanse beach

Makoto seems to be in good spirits and looks to have enjoyed this tour and has driven all the way,even venturing onto the highway for the first time. Apart from her penchant for playing red light roulette, she has done well. It’s funny how the things that strike me as grim and depressing in this country don’t affect the natives, yet things that bother them seem trivial to me. We return to the house that evening, a bit to the surprise of her father who, I’m sure, reckoned that this foreigner would never be able to read a map in Kanji.